Disjointed Digression

From the What the Fuck!? Department:
Kidnapped garden gnomes found in snowy Swedish forest
“Twelve garden gnomes kidnapped in western Sweden a month ago have been found in a snowy forest, standing in a ring beside a lighted bonfire and a small hut, Swedish news agency TT reported.”
“A letter from the “Garden Gnomes Liberation Army” later claimed responsibility for their disappearance, explaining that the dwarfish figures had pined for freedom.”
I think the part I like best about the story is that there is a Garden Gnomes Liberation Army! A whole Army dedicated to liberating oppressed garden gnomes.
In my search for more information about the Garden Gnomes Liberation Army, I came across a few interesting and odd sites…
http://lachlan.bluehaze.com.au/gnomes.html
http://www.freethegnomes.com/
to name a few
I might have to do some more in-depth research on this issue and get back to you.
Garden Gnomes Liberation Army… it just boggles my mind… yet piques my interest at the same time!

I don’t know who else does this, but sometimes in traffic, I have an internal commentary on other drivers. I know some people are oblivious to all the traffic around them ( one person in specific… let’s just say that I’m glad I don’t have to drive in Boston) Not that I can really say much about my driving, usually when my driving is described the words “under speeed limit”, “slow” and “grandma” are used. But I digress…
The other day, I’m driving home from work, and I come to a stop at a red light. At this light there are 2 lanes, the left lane turns, and the right lane can turn or go straight. If you stay in the right lane and turn, you are set up for turning right a little ways down the street. In other words you wouldn’t have to try to move back over a lane. So there I was at the head of the pack at the stop light, there were 3 vehicles behind me. One gets out of line and gets into the left lane. I had a gut feeling that this vehicle was going to have to try to cut back across a lane in a short while. So I’m thinking this driver is making a mistake, “what a retard” I think. The light turns green, I cross the intersection and turn left, sliding into the lane to turn right shortly. In my rear view I notice the vehicle trying to move over. After I made my right turn I watched the mirror and finally saw the vehicle make the turn.
Now, I thought, maybe I should have been nice and tried to let this vehicle in. But that occurred after the fact. And I felt a little guilty then, because said vehicle was a short school bus…

From the “How insensitive is that?!” files:
This past Sunday the New Orleans Saints played the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Tampa Bay.

Normally I could not care less about football. But this little news item caught my attention:
During the half-time break, the Buccaneers cheerleaders danced to a song that had been in their “routine all season long”…
The Scorpions hit Rock You Like a Hurricane.
Bad taste? Or just an oversight?
My guess is that it was an oversight…

On Wednesday afternoon, a Buccaneers’ spokesperson apologized for the song, calling it an oversight and saying it was not their “intent to offend anyone.”

The team officials noted the song was part of a dance routine the cheerleaders have performed to all season. He says the song, “Rock You Like a Hurricane” will no longer be played at games against the Saints.
I don’t think the song was the cause, but the Saints lost the game.

From the Stupid is as Stupid does department…
Model Accused Of Hiring Hit Man To Kill For Cheese
Police in Memphis say a woman mistook a block of white cheese for a cocaine stash and tried to hire a hit man to kill four men and steal it.
Police say Jessica Sandy Booth was mistaken about the hit man, too. He was an undercover policeman.
Police say Booth, who is an aspiring model, told the hit man she needed $7,900 to pay a modeling agency. The undercover officer was recording Booth’s conversation and police say they have her saying any children old enough to testify would have to be killed as well.

So apparently this aspiring model, and obvious Mensa candidate, wanted to kill four guys and any children in a house so that she could steal some “cocaine” so she could sell it and pay a “modeling agency”. What. The. Fuck? If you plan on stealing a large amount of cocaine, wouldn’t you want to make sure it was cocaine first? You know, I’ve never actually seen cocaine in person, but I’ve seen me a lot of cheese. I’m no cheese connoisseur, but I think I’d know cheese when I saw it. I can’t think of a time when I ever looked at a cheese wheel and said, “Damn, that’s a lot of cocaine right there!”
It would be so much more believable if she had thought a big bag of flour or sugar, hell even brown sugar was cocaine, but cheese? Come on!

I wandered over to dubious quality well as much as one can wander in cyberspace. But I digress… Where I came across this cool video. It looks like these kids have been playing too much Prince of Persia and/or watching too many Jackie Chan movies. Actually this activity (I don’t quite think its a sport yet) is called either free running or Parkour. I’ve seen a little bit of it before in a few commercials (a kia or scion ad I think) and every time I see someone doing something like this it amazes me. The video I linked above is about 8 minutes long and pretty amazing throughout.

A photo of Free Running that I found over at screwgravity.com not related to the video link above.

From the What The Fuck?! Department…
Ants eat away woman’s eye in hospital

Apparently in India hospitals are not sterile.
“A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.
The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.
On Monday, the patient’s family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.”

That would freak my shit out to see that! I can’t even imagine what the poor woman went through. If I ever get sick in India, don’t take me to a state-run hospital. I mean that is scary, ants in your eye socket, but this next quote…
“It’s not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident,” hospital superintendent A. Adhikary said.

Not UNCOMMON?? How can insects eating a persons eye be a common occurrence in a hospital? Hell how can that be a common occurrence anywhere? I’m not even going to get into how the nurses should have at least looked at the eye…

Ewwwww, Just ewwwwww

From the What the Fuck!? department c/o fark.com
Naked man orders coffee while masturbating (linky)

“A man who drove up to a Tim Hortons drive-thru while stark naked and masturbating has pleaded guilty to committing an indecent act, saying “fantasy” got the best of him.”
So, after I got over the WTF!? shock, I thought who the hell has such a fucked up life to fantasize about jerking off while ordering coffee?
Compared to this guy my wildest fantasies seem tame. Never have I had the urge to go through a drive through naked and slapping the salami. Hell, until I had read that this crazy canuck had done it, I never even thought of it.
“The man handed money to the employee with his unoccupied left hand”
At least he didn’t give them jizzed on money.
I can just imagine the clerk in the window “You want cream or sugar for that?”
“No” says the weirdo (wakity-wakity-wakity) “I’ve got my own cream”
I really hope this story is not true. But in this day and age of Paris Hilton having sex in a Port-o-Potty, I’m pretty sure this guy really beat his bishop in the drive thru while getting coffee.

I’ve been getting mail, not email mind you but actual physical letters and stuff from Marlboro. Yes the cigarette company. I don’t smoke. Ok, I do when I’m on fire and sometimes when I’m drunk. But I’m not what you’d call a smoker, not even a casual or social smoker. Not that I have anything against it, if someone wants to blacken their lungs let ‘em. But I digress… For a few years now Marlboro has been sending me coupons and little gifts for my birthday. The first time I got something form them, I just tossed thinking it was for someone else or a mass mailer. I think I did this until I got a little box from Marlboro. I thought this was a very brazen marketing campaign if they were sending cigarettes to random people, but it turns out the box had Beef Jerky in it and a birthday card. I was creeped out! Even though I know my birthday is public record, why was Marlboro sending me gifts? What creeped me out more was after I moved, I kept getting stuff, at my new address. These fuckers were following me! Shit, I had to tell the Department of Public Service I had moved to I could get a new license, but Phillip Morris knew I had moved and adjusted already. WTF!? It’s creepy. I received something in the mail from them yesterday, and it puzzled Candy. So I had to tell her the same story I just typed out. Well, I went to the rather bland PhillipMorris.com and sent the customer service (at least I hope it gets to customer service or whoever it needs to get to so that I will stop getting shit from them) and email. Of course I have only received one of those automated confirmation “we got your email” emails. So we’ll see what happens.

Update:
Well, it looks like I’ve run into the bureaucracy I expected. I received the following letter a few days ago, and I have yet to follow up on it.

Thank you for contacting Philip Morris USA.

Philip Morris USA

So now it is up to me to call them? I guess I will sometime soon. That or I could just let them keep wasting money on me, not that it would affect them in anyway. When I get around to calling, I’ll let ya know what happens.

From the What the fuck!? Department
Crouching Tiger Hidden Donkey (link to article)

An overview for those that don’t like links….
“The cat is out of the bag at a restaurant in northeast China that had been serving donkey meat spiked with tiger urine in pricey dishes advertised as endangered Siberian tigers.”
The restaurant was “tapping into traditional Chinese belief that tiger meat has aphrodisiacal properties.”
“The so-called tiger meat was donkey meat that had been dressed with tiger urine to give the dish a ‘special’ flavour” Kinda makes me wonder about ‘special’ sauces at various restaurants.
Needless to say the restaurant was shutdown. I think my favorite quote from the article is:
“The report did not explain where the tiger urine had come from or how it was collected.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the world is getting weirder and weirder!

Ok, this is just fucked up.
Man stabbed in strip club by dancer for refusing to get a lap dance from her

I’ll admit I’ve been to a few shady strip clubs, but what neighborhood was this guy in? Good gracious! No means no is not just for the women any more! How hard up for cash was this dancer that she would stab a guy for not getting a lap dance? I dunno how much lap dances are these days, much less in San Diego but last time I got one it was $20. I guess she really needed that money to pay for her next score since “police found methamphetamine” in her bag.
Man I’m really glad I don’t go to strip clubs like I used to, I’d probably be killed. I was always very frugal when it came to lap dances. Frugal and picky, I only wanted them from certain dancers. But those days are long behind me.

The world is a crazy place, and getting crazier all the time.