December 2005
Monthly Archive
The How To Get Along At Work List
Posted by Candice on 29 Dec 2005 | Tagged as: Funnies
The following is a list of polite ways to express your true feelings without getting yourself fired.
What you say: I’m not sure that’s feasible
What you mean: No way asshole!
What you say: Really?
What you mean: You gotta be shittin me!
What you say: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment
What you mean: Screw it, I’m on salary
What you say: Of course I’m concerned
What you mean: Ask me if I give a shit
What you say: You don’t say
What you mean: Eat shit
What you say: Excuse me?
What you mean: Eat shit and die
What you say: Excuse me, Sir?
What you mean: Eat shit and die asshole
What you say: So you’d like my help with that?
What you mean: Kiss my ass
What you say: I love a challenge
What you mean: This job sucks
What you say: I see
What you mean: Blow me
Merry Christmas
Posted by Candice on 27 Dec 2005 | Tagged as: Uncategorized
Twas A Computer Christmas
Posted by Candice on 21 Dec 2005 | Tagged as: Funnies
This one’s for you Monkeyboy 
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: “My name is Santa…the last name is Claus.”
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
“This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to “think”;
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
“Your eyes – how they twinkle – your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile – all these things, I’ve been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can’t lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You’ve a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you’re not in my program, you cannot exist!”
Old Santa just chuckled a merry “ho, ho”,
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this “data” to the machine:
“Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone’s cheer;
But you won’t get anything – that’s plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me.”
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
“Merry Christmas to All,” as he pulled out its plug!
(author unknown)
The 12 Pains of Christmas
Posted by Candice on 19 Dec 2005 | Tagged as: Funnies
The first thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Sending Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Five month of bills!
Sending Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up these lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The seventh thing a Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: The Salvation Army.
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards.
Ohhh geeez.
I’m tryin to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The eighth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: I want a transformer for Christmas.
Charities, and what do you mean YOUR in-laws?!
Five months of bills.
Ughh, makin’ up these cards.
oh, Edith get me a beer huh?
What we have no extension cords?!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The ninth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Finding parking spaces,
Daddy, I want some candy!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Writing out those Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Now why the hell are they blinking?!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The tenth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Batteries not included.
No parking spaces.
Buy me something!
Get a job you bum!
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Yo-ho sending Christmas cards.
Oh-geez look at this.
One light goes out, they all go out!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The eleventh thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Stale T.V. specials.
Batteries not included.
No parking spaces
Mom, I gotta go bathroom!
Charities!
She’s a witch, I hate her.
Five months of bills.
Oh, I don’t even know half these people!
Oh, who has the toilet paper, huh?
Turn on a flashlight, I blew a fuse!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The twelfth thing at Christmas, that’s such a pain to me: Singing Christmas carols.
Stale T.V. specials.
Batteries not included.
No parking!
*Crying*
Charities.
Gotta make ‘em dinner.
Five months of bills.
I’m not sending ‘em this year, that’s it!
Shut up, you!
Fine, you’re so smart! You rig up the lights!
And finding a Christmas tree.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Posted by Candice on 16 Dec 2005 | Tagged as: Funnies
I just think this song is funny.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog,
And we’d begged her not to go.
But she’d left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin’,
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He’s been takin’ this so well.
See him in there watchin’ football,
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family’s dressed in black.
And we just can’t help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma’s wig.
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves.”
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.