Candy is Dandy

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.

Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

That uniform makes your ass look really big.

Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car, do you?

“Bad Cop! No Donut!”

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

“Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.”

“Lets do it differently this time . . . I’ll give YOU the breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and blow”

Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

“Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?”

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No, I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean ‘have I been drinking?’ You’re the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

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1. Got Buzz?
2. Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
3. A Day Without Pot is Like School
4. Weed My Lips!
5. Hey, America — Let’s Blow This joint!
6. What’s So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
7. Obey Your Jones
8. Hemp: The world’s practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff
9. It’s Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
10. Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
11. Official Sponsor of the NBA
12. Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi… Dude! I totally f***ed that up!
13. Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
14. This is your brain. This is your brain on pot. This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
15. When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
16. SMOKE POT! (Did We Just Say That Out Loud? Or Did We Just Think It?)
17. Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
18. Just Doob It
19. It’s the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

and the Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana…
20. Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless

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PEOPLE DEFINITIONS:

OUTGOING PERSONALITY………………Always going out of the office

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS………….Able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS………….Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE………………….Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED……….Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY…………….Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY…………………..Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY………….Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER………………..Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING……………………Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER…………………..Won’t make a decision

AGGRESSIVE……………………….Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS……….Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL………….Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL……..A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES……… ….Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT……….Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR………………Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED…………………….Back Stabber

LOYAL……………………………Can’t get a job anywhere else

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1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you’re a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends cause you know they’ll enjoy it & do the same.

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Some people never fail to amaze me.

Man Kills Roommate Over Toilet Paper

“MOSS BLUFF, Fla. – A man accused of fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home has been arrested.

Franklin Paul Crow, 56, was charged Monday with homicide in the death of Kenneth Matthews, 58, according to the Marion County Sheriff’s Office.

Capt. Thomas Bibb said Crow initially denied his involvement, but confessed during questioning.

Crow told investigators that the men were fighting about the toilet paper over the weekend when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit.

Matthews was beaten so badly he had to be identified through his fingerprints, detectives said.

Crow was being held at the Marion County jail without bond. It was not immediately known whether he had an attorney.”

I sure hope it was at least 2 ply mega rolls and not the cheap stuff with the wood chips in it.

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1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.

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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

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Instructions on how to change the oil in your car – FOR WOMAN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00

Instructions on how to change the oil in your car – FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under en gine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil i n hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used t o clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quar ts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00
TOTAL — $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT

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1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

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This one is for you baby. Love ya.

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