Candy is Dandy

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

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1. Miss Scarlett’s Come Home to Tara
2. Trolling for Vampires
3. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
4. Saddling Old Rusty
5. Feelin’ Menstru-riffic!
6. Clean-Up in Aisle One
7. Massacre at the Y
8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
9. Game Day for the Crimson Tide
10. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
11. Taking Carrie to the Prom
12. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote’s Ragtime Band
13. Ordering l’Omelette Rouge
14. Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

and the Number 1 Euphemism for “Getting Your Period”…
15. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when hey feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES – This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING – This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH – This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

SOFT SIGH – Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY – This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO – This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT – This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

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1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

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3. OK…. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ……they’re cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they j ust put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19 If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you start working for Texas Dept Of Corrections.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(…I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

Well, how about some “ASSICONS?”
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

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