Candy is Dandy

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (wow)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes… lucky pig. Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig …quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump (OK, so that would be a good thing………)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

No Comments »

This is freakin hilarious!!!

http://www.rejectionhotline.com/ 

“Hello, this is not the person you were trying to call…you’ve reached The Rejection Hotline!”

The local Austin, TX number to give out instead of your own is 647-4813.  Give it a call and listen, it is funny as hell. 

No Comments »

1. But everybody looks funny naked.
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
10. Can you please pass me the remote control?
11. Do you accept Visa?
12. And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!
13. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober
14. Do you get any premium movie channels?
15. Got and Penicillin?
16. But I just brushed my teeth
17. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
18. How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
20. I want a baby!
21. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
22. Why am I doing all the work?
23. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth
24. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
25. When is this supposed to feel good?
26. Did I remember to take my pill?
27. I wish we got the Playboy channel
28. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
29. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
30. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance
31. No, really… I do this part better myself!
32. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
33. This would be more fun with a few more people..
34. You’re almost as good as my ex!
35. You look younger than you feel.
36. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
37. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
38. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
39. Now I know why he/she dumped you…
40. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
41. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
42. Have you ever considered liposuction?
43. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
44. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
45. I have a confession…
46. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
47. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
48. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
49. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
50. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
51. I’ll tell you who I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
52. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
53. Does this count as a date?
54. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
55. I need another beer for this.
56. When would you like to meet my parents?
57. Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
58. Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
59. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
60. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
61. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
62. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly?
63. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
64. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
65. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
66. Is this a sin, too?
67. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
68. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
69. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise… 
 

No Comments »

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:/ is the root of all directories.
8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modern is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach him to use the NET and he won’t bother

No Comments »

1. Blaming your gas on me… not funny… not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking … hello, I’M A DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose … stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo — what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for the “big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven’t you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

No Comments »