Candy is Dandy

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE
2. You watched the Pound Puppies and maybe even owned one.
3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
4. Girls–you wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales” (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen….and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game “MASH” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear….need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in Kindergarten.(She’s Truly Outrageous.)
21. You remember reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and all The Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us…head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school… and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-Ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Don’t worry, be happy
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do…getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)
46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool… and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on Saved By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi – SHOT >THROUGH THE HEART.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts! (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when the big hairsprayed bangs were cool.
59. You had big hairsprayed bangs.
60. You still sing “We are the World”
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a banana clip.
63. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
64. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ about Willis?”
65. You’re still singing “SHOT THROUGH THE HEART” in your head, aren’t you!

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We started to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it’ was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10),” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40′s – while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…

So, while I love being a woman, “Womanhood” would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.

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Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep. 

Please no wrinkles, please no bags and please lift my butt before it sags. 

Please no age spots, please no gray and as for my belly, please take it away. 

Please keep me healthy, please keep me young and thank you Lord for all that you’ve done. 

Five tips for a woman….

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
“If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.”    

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WATER…… It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than  kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!  

However, we do not run that risk when drinking BOOZE (wine, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. 

WATER = Poop
BOOZE = HEALTH 

Free yourself of Poop, drink BOOZE!!! It is better to drink booze and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.