Candy is Dandy

ASSMOSIS – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
 
BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
 
SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. 
 
SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.  
 
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
 
CLM - Career Limiting Move – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious career limiting move. 
 
CLM. ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
 
DILBERTED – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.” 
 
FLIGHT RISK – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. 
 
4%4 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “4%4 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: “Don’t bother asking him … he’s 4%4, man.” 
 
GENERICA – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”
 
OHNO-SECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
 
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
 
UMFRIEND – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Dyan, my … um … friend.”
 
BODY NAZIS – Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
 
CUBE FARM – An office filled with cubicles.
 
PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
 
IDEA HAMSTERS – People who always seem to have their idea generators running. 
 
MOUSE POTATO – The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the Couch Potato.
 
SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
 
STARTER MARRIAGE – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets 
 
STRESS PUPPY – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
 
SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
 
TOURISTS – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
 
TREEWARE – Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
 
XEROX SUBSIDY – Euphemism for availing oneself of free photocopies from one’s workplace.
 
GOING POSTAL – Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
 
ALPHA GEEK – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
 
CHIPS AND SALSA – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.” 
 
G.O.O.D. Job - A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
 
IRRITAINMENT – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
 
DEINSTALLED – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. ” (See also, “Decruitment.”) 

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: “We owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”

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“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked’.” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

” It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

” Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.” Steve Martin

” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” Emo Phillips

” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

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 Top ten things to say when caught sleeping at work.

10) They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9) This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time.

7) I wasn’t sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6) I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.  Are you discriminating toward people who practice Yoga?”

4) Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

3) The coffee machine is broken.

2) Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.

1) … and in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
 
2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
                                
3. They are cattle & oil wells That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
              
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
            
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
                                     
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
                                      
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
                                 
8. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
                       
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
                                          
10. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey
                          
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!  !Oh, yeah…. We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… It AIN’T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio…. and real chili never met a tomato!
                     
12. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
 
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
                            
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
                                  
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
              
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines,  than any other state, so “Don’t Mess with Texas,” If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
                 
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas!”