Candy is Dandy

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have been worse.   

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

13. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

14. “He’s been working with glue top much.”

15. “He would argue with a signpost.”

16. “He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room.”

17. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

18. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

19. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

20. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

21. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

22. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

23. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

24. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

25. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

26. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

27. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

28. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”

31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

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D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
 
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
 
ST. M O M M A’S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
 
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
 
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,  resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
 
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
 
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. ”
 
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
 
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
 
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
 
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

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It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.  We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
 
1. TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
 
2. TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.
 
3. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
 
4. TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
 
5. TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!
 
6. TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
 
7. TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.
 
8. TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
 
9. TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.
 
10. TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fucking hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
 
11. TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.
 
12. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.